The Word of the Day is "Awkward"

Damn, but there was a lot of awkwardness today. In addition to my date with the mathematician (who emailed me to ask me out again so chalk that one up as a victory) I had a terrible interaction with the Werewolf. Just when I think he and I have turned a corner we get all awkward again. The Werewolf, for those who don't recall, is my officemate, an 8th-year Kierkegaard scholar. He is very nice but I find him really intimidating and we've had some miscommunication in the past.

Today I was taking a break from my interminable Lewis paper and reading Questionable Content when I heard the key turn in the lock. I tried to close the browser, but I wasn't fast enough and the Werewolf saw me scramble to look busy.

"You don't have to stop reading blogs just because I come in," said the Werewolf.
"I wasn't reading blogs, I was reading a comic," I said, blushing.
"Well, you don't have to stop."
"Yes I do. That's what office-mates are for."
"To hold you accountable?"
"Um ... in a no-pressure kind of way."
"Well, anyway, you don't have to stop doing what you're doing when I come in."
"I do though," I persisted. "I mean, I have to do epistemology."
"Not because of me," the Werewolf insisted.
"No, but I just do. And have been! For hours on end!" I insisted.
"I'm sure you have."
I stood and started to gather my things.
"You don't have to leave just because I'm here! I'll only be here for a few minutes."
"I'm not," I said. "I'm just - I have to go ... somewhere else."
"You don't have to."
I got out. And I didn't go back in my office for the rest of the day. Aaand I probably never will.

Later, after a philosophy of language meeting, the Junior who was sitting next to me asked, "What are you doing after this?"
I had been afraid of this. He was chewing gum, and throughout the lecture the sound of chewing and smell had been bothering me. "I'm going to my office to get my stuff and then I'm going home," I said.
"Can I walk with you?"
"It's not a very long walk," I said. My office is right across from the seminar room. He followed me in and I gathered my things. He followed me all the way to the Union. "Do you want to go inside? I'm not doing anything... we could hang out."
I didn't want to hang out. Eventually I said, "Don't you live over there?"
"Oh. Yeah. I do. I guess we'd better part ways then."
"Okay, bye."
"Bye. Take care! Have a good weekend!"

Look. I don't want to be mean. But I don't know how to make these people not do this. Maybe I should shave my head.

However...

Okay, not freaking out about social interactions, blah blah, yes I know, but just one thing: as we parted, standing awkwardly around, unsure of how exactly dates are supposed to end, he said "Maybe we'll keep in touch." I guess he was just groping for something to say, but surely he could have done better than that!

Just Stop

This morning for breakfast I had coffee with milk, fresh-baked bread with redcurrent jam, and a goat cheese omelette (made with a free-range egg, though not one from the farmers' market, which is on hiatus). Then I put on my snazzy new leather jacket and my headphones and listened to Blondie on my way to the office.

I am working on a paper about David Lewis's contextualist theory of knowledge for the Horse, and it is a slog. I banged on the keyboard for an hour or so and then went over to the math building to meet the cute but nonverbal mathematician for lunch.

I thought of a strategy to overcome shyness: pretend we are already friends. Just take it for granted that we will get along and be pals, and then act as if this has already happened. Why not? I do not have to worry about impressing these people; not to brag, but I have been asked out on so many dates since moving to Indiana that I am beginning to get the sense that I can write my own ticket. It is *their* job to impress *me.* So the mathematician and I went to a Korean buffet and I pretended we were already friends, and to some extent I think it went well, and beyond that extent I don't care, so there we go.

So many of my problems are problems for which the only solution is "Just stop that." I talk to myself, I pick at my fingers till they bleed, I bite my lips and grind my teeth, I fret about social interactions and blow them all out of proportion. You're right; the only solution is to just stop doing those things. A simple solution isn't always easy. I try to find tricks to make stopping easier. I wear gloves; I pretend that people already like me so I don't have to worry about making them. Sometimes these tricks work. Sometimes they don't. But I look pretty cute in gloves.

Birthday

Lying on the ground in the cemetery at midnight, sipping bourbon and counting shooting stars. Not a great year for the Leonids, but how many girls get a meteor shower for their birthdays every year? I will take it. It will do.

Email:

Now, don't take this the wrong way, Emily, but I get the sneaking suspicion that you
could be the sort of person who likes doing set theory on her birthday. But, assuming
you're not, if you do want in, feel free to suggest another time.

Hey.

Bacon Pizza

Ugh. Did you know they make bacon pizza? Did you know that I've taken up with a crowd that is obsessed with bacon? Maybe it's a guy thing, and I've never had many guy friends before (8 years of all women's education will do that) but I find it alarming how often the conversation turns to bacon these days. I have bacon maybe twice a year on a club sandwich. I was planning to have a club sandwich next week because I'll be in New York. Now, the morning after two slices of bacon pizza, I feel the need to detox and eat nothing but steamed brown rice and broiled fish for the next month. Bacon pizza. Ew.

Also, I realized yesterday that my bike has been stolen. This is severely vexing, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that I'd chained it properly. The only thing worse than losing something is losing it due to your own negligence. This is just bad luck, and bad luck I can deal with. Still, it makes me upset. I liked having a bike, and I had a certain sentimental attachment to it. Goodbye little yellow bike. We had some good times, didn't we?

Watched Serenity last night with a bunch of people at Cufflinks' house no place in particular. They talked the whole way through it which was annoying because I've been wanting to see Serenity for ages and I didn't really get the proper experience.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 22. So there's that.

Recipe: Roasted Autumn Vegetable Soup

Last night I made an amazing soup. It was my greatest triumph to date, and so I will share it with you.

Ingredients:
5 carrots, peeled and sliced into pennies
2 leeks, just the white parts, ditto
2 onions, chopped roughly
3 turnips, cut into chunks
2 or 3 potatoes, ditto
Olive oil

About 6 cups chicken or vegetable broth
3 cups tomatoes, peeled & seeded
1 T rosemary
1 T thyme
1 bay leaf
Salt and pepper to taste

Coat the vegetables in olive oil and roast in a 400 degree oven until golden brown - this takes an hour or so. Bring the broth to a boil and add the roasted vegetables, tomatoes, and seasonings. Let cook for awhile longer and then puree the soup in a blender or food processor until fairly smooth. You can mix in a little yogurt or half and half if you like, that’s nice, but it’s really delicious just plain, too.

The thing about soup, I’m discovering, is that you can just cook vegetables and puree them with some broth and then you have soup! Nothing could be easier! This recipe is a little time-consuming because of the chopping and the endless roasting, but actual work time is pretty low, and it’s super-delicious.